Divorce has always been common as some marriages reach the point of conflict beyond resolve. While this matter was considered as a taboo in the past, it has now gained a lot of acceptance with the help of (in my opinion) the women empowerment movement that encourages women to take control of their bodies, their minds and their destinies, and more importantly the feeling of no shame and no judgment.
The couple going through a breakup will most likely carry a heavy load of emotional baggage for quite some time, but what about the children, what can parents do to ensure a smooth split? Below are 3 guidelines to help parents understand the psychology of their kids and make this transition an agreeable one.
Validate their feelings.
Allow your children to express what they are feeling and thinking while never underestimating their concerns. If they come to you feeling sad, instead of telling them to cheer up, ensure to them that their emotions are valid and it’s ok to feel this way and that even adults go through sadness. Many children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce and it is essential to never make them believe this is true. If they need to talk to you about their concerns over and over, always be patient and answer because they are most likely processing this information and formulating new questions as time passes and as they grow older.
Don’t use your kids as pawns.
If you are not on good terms with your ex, strive to keep a respectful tone when talking to/about him. It might be instinctive to bad mouth them due to hard feelings, unresolved issues and bitterness, but kids pick up on tonalities and aggression so it is best to stay civilized no matter how challenging. This doesn’t negate the fact that you must acknowledge facts, events that did actually happen, for instance if your spouse abandoned his family there is no use beating around the bush, state the facts only without explaining further or negotiating on your ex’s behalf; they are his mistakes to clean up.
Seek help.
You might find refuge in therapy for you or your children; you might choose to talk to a friend or relatives who have gone through a tough time like yours. You could also try alternative ways for your kids to let out their emotions such as music, art or sports. What matters is that you get the help you and your children need to allow you to restart your life and give yourself new hope. There is no shame in reaching out for help when things get dark and overwhelming, your mental health is a priority.
While we are aware that no family is similar to the next and each situation calls for a different type of action, we also wish that more light be shed on this matter especially when it comes to a child’s wellbeing.
Maria Najem
Photo: istockphoto.com
